Leonard's Legal Barn

Howdy folks! My name is Leonard "J." Crabs and I've been serving the Downtown Tri-Metro Communal Demilitarized Suburban Zone for the past 23 years, often while wearing one of those funny little monkey butler suits and swinging my enchanted bronze legal curling iron of constitution +5 at all those foolish enough to stand in my way! I've fought such famous lawyers as Jay "Little Pockets" McRae, Allie "The Hangman" Curry, and Jimmie "Shortpants" O' Henderson, frequently by using the unsurpassed power of my mind and invading their dreams while they sleep! Judges from as far as Rancastle County and Feltcher Valley have awarded me such fantastic legal prizes as a $500 savings bond, matching his and hers electric motorbikes, and a coupon for all-you-can-eat ribs at Angry Hank's Texas Pork Trough Bonanza. Sometimes they even said I won the case!

Simply put, you want my legal know-how and decades, possibly millenniums, of expertise to work for you like a pregnant tractor that takes out your garbage and sings soothing lullabies to your children while you paint the town red with your Mexican boyfriend. Unfortunately I am just one man, although sometimes I suffer from a disorder that makes me think I'm 12 or more southern belles from Georgia, so my caseload is restricted. Also, that damn rascally judge in Wotherford County said I couldn't represent women anymore due to my unfortunate tendency to hit them during sex, as well as before sex and after sex. Also I can't represent droids either, but that's a decision I made with my church, not the state.

I have decided to turn my legal know-how into an online nationwide online franchise called "Leonard's Legal Barn," a service which offers one of the quickest turn-arounds in the entire Internet. We've got servers located throughout the United States of America, operating from such esteemed locations as "Beloit" and "Jimmy Henderson's mom's basement," giving us a cutting edge which allows us to outperform and outlegalize the competition, inferior websites like Lawyer Hut and Profession Ed Wynkowski's World of eLawyers. If you don't believe me, then just take a look at this really professional bar graph that a nonprofit organization recently printed up for me in exchange for my last cigarette:

We specialize in all kinds of legal service, from bankruptcy to that one legal thing you have to file for when you lose all your money and people start banging on your doors and shouting an awful lot while waving pitchforks and torches (and you're not Dr. Frankenstein, at least to your knowledge). You've messed with the best, now rest with the mess: Leonard's Legal Barn!

LEONARD'S LEGAL BARN: SIGN UP NOW AND RECEIVE 66% OFF YOUR NEXT LEGAL CASE OF:

hit and run accident - blackmail - drunk driving after snorting cocaine off the chest of a particularly unattractive Philippino hooker - building a Tie-Fighter without a licence - Bigfoot kidnapping - being kidnapped by Bigfoot - horrible war crimes and acts against humanity - jaywalking - spitting in a no-spitting zone - impersonating Dale Earnhardt's rabid ghost - indecent exposure while committing manslaughter - intimidating wildlife - abducting grain - hit and run intentional accident - AOL Buddy List errors

WE WILL REPRESENT YOU NO MATTER WHAT YOU'RE CHARGED WITH, ASSUMING IT'S NOT A SCHOOL NIGHT AND YOUR INTERNET LAWYER ISN'T GROUNDED BY HIS BITCH MOM WHO DOESN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE IN HIGH SCHOOL THESE DAYS SO SHE CAN JUST GO TO HELL BECAUSE UNTIL SHE STARTS LISTENING TO SLIPKNOT, SHE'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND US

--- JULY SPECIAL: FILE ONE LAWSUIT, GET ONE ADDITIONAL LAWSUIT OF EQUAL OR LESSER VALUE FOR 50% OFF!!!* ---
* does not apply to any accidents involving a beehive or one of Leonard's current girlfriends

The law offices of Leonard "J." Crabs and Leonard's Legal Barn have represented hundreds of thousands of millions of tens of hundreds of people, and we're more than excited to gain your trust and business, although not necessarily in that order. Take a look at just a few of our many, many Internet lawyers that we have ready to serve you, the fat American slob:

NAME: Eddie "sYkO sOljAh" Pellegia

LEGAL BACKGROUND: Eddie's seen almost every episode of "Law and Order," which he cleverly referred to as "Law and Odor" in his on-line resume. He also misspelled the words "high school," "cowboy," and "guilty," but four out of 120 is a pretty darn good record if we do say so ourselves! Eddie got his big break when he was representing his classmate Steve "Stive" Gonzales in the case of "Stive Gonzales vs. the CoolCat304 Chatrooms." Eddie successfully sued CoolCat304 for "falsely giving him ops" and "impersonating a mod" during August of 1999. The court found significant emotional distress and awarded Steve the sum of $4.29 and one of those fake "magic" pencils that is just cheap vulcanized rubber with a "made in Taiwan" stamp on it. Steve Gonzales went on to compete in a number of high profile Quake 3: Arena tournaments and although he has never actually won, he had traded a lot of porn during these events.

QUOTE: "Roses are red, violets are blue. If you pick me, I will represent you! PS: NO FREAKS ALLOWED."

FAVORITE LEGAL WEAPON: The railgun and subpoena.

NAME: Tom and Mitch "Two Guns" Douglas

LEGAL BACKGROUND: Tom and Mitch "Two Guns" Douglas have been packing a devastating one-two punch on the Internet courtroom since their energetic appearance in the 2001 trial of "Joe Coulier vs. Dairy Queen," where the manager of the Hobbestown DQ claimed Joe stole nine quarts of the "Marshmallow flavored topping and motor vehicle lubricant." Eventually Dairy Queen dropped the two lesser charges and Joe Coulier was simply charged with homicide, aggravated assault, child endangerment, rape, attempted rape, attempt to attempt rape, thinking about attempting to attempt to attempt rape, and parking in a pregnant mother space. The "Two Guns" have a patented legal technique where one of them will take turns grilling the witness while the other one makes "BAM BAM!" sound effects and points his fingers around as if they were guns. Then they will tag the other partner and he'll jump into the court, picking up where the other left off. This technique is often performed regardless of whether or not they're defending the witness and is a crowd pleaser for juries consisting of grade school children across the globe.

QUOTE: "BAM BAM, HERE COME THE YOUNG GUNS!!! MOMMAS LOCK UP YOUR DAUGHTERS BECAUSE TWO GUNS ARE BETTER THAN ONE, BAM BAM."

FAVORITE LEGAL MATCHUP: The people of South Dakota vs. Hitler's Floating, Disembodied Laserbeam Brain.

NAME: Margaret the Owl

LEGAL BACKGROUND: MARGARET IS OLD. MARGARET WILL FIGHT FOR YOU. MARGARET WILL FIGHT AGAINST YOU. MARGARET DOES NOT CARE WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT CRIMES YOU MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE COMMITTED. MARGARET SCREECHES LIKE AN OWL WHEN CORNERED OR LOSING AN ARGUMENT. MARGARET LOST A HUSBAND TO CANCER, ALTHOUGH DOCTORS SUSPECTED FOUL PLAY AFTER SHE CLAIMED HER HUSBAND TRIED TO MANUALLY REMOVE HIS CANCER WITH .45 CALIBER BULLETS. MARGARET THE OWL HATES HALLOWEEN AND THE KIDS WHO CELEBRATE IT. MARGARET THE OWL SPENT HER ENTIRE YOUTH MINING COAL IN A PENAL COLONY, SO SHE KNOWS WHAT IT'S LIKE TO WORK HARD, ESPECIALLY FOR COAL.

QUOTE: "SHREEEEEEEEEEEAACCHHHHHH!"

FAVORITE LEGAL MOMENT: Any moment involving thoughts of Matlock nude or field mice prone to air attack.

NAME: Ben "GOKU 29381" Smith

LEGAL BACKGROUND: Ben "Goku 29381" doesn't consider himself to just be a lawyer. No, Ben is able to channel the power taught to him by Son Gohan, able to transform into a very large ape who can also shoot fireballs at will. Then he runs out of the courtroom and into the parking lot where he accuses the prosecutor's car of stealing his fish and proceeds to beat it up. This has never really won him a single case in the courtroom, but hey, at least he's cheap to hire.*

* Ben "GOKU 29381" Smith charges extra for Goku costume.

QUOTE: "Just to show you his power level, in his early days Goku destroyed a planet 10 times the size of the earth while fighting Frieza. If you do not dismiss this case, I will beat up your car, your honor."

FAVORITE DEFENSE MANEUVAR: Trying to ban the enemy from IRC.

LEONARD'S LEGAL BARN: THE SITE SO NICE THEY HAD TO NAME IT TWICE (FORMERLY WWW.HOTCOCKSANDFUDGE.COM)

If we weren't so absolutely freaking sure of our award-winning service, we wouldn't be confident enough to share this disturbing image of Leonard "J." Crabs' floating, disembodied head haunting a barn! We put that image on our ad-blocking software's list so our kids won't run the chance of seeing it and having Leonard haunt their nightmares of blood for years to come!

*** AUGUST SPECIAL: COMBO-SIZE YOUR LAWSUIT AND ADD THREE PLAINTIFFS AND A JUMBO WITNESS FOR FREE ***

A LETTER FROM LEONARD "J." CRABS TO YOU, THE CONSUMER

Dear you, the consumer,

My name is Leonard "J." Crabs and the information, documents and graphic depictions (the "Information") published on this Web site are the property of Leonard "J." Crabs Legal Barn, Inc. and its subsidiaries and affiliates (collectively "Crabs"). Crabs assumes no responsibility for errors or omissions in the Information on this Web site. Leonard sleeps in the nude. In no event shall Crabs be liable for any special, direct, indirect, consequential, or incidental damages or any damages whatsoever resulting from loss of use, data or profits, whether in an action of contract, negligence or other tortuous action, arising out of or in connection with the use of this Web site or the Information. Leonard once saw a turtle carry a fat woman across the highway. Crabs reserves the right to make additions, deletions, or modification to the Information on the Web site at any time without prior notice. Leonard drinks unhealthy amounts of cough syrup to gain the ability to see through solid sheet metal. Except as provided in this paragraph, no license or right, express or implied, is granted to any person under any patent, trademark, trade dress or other proprietary right. Leonard once punched a toddler for giving him "sass." Crabs grants a limited right to use the Information provided that the Information is not modified in any way and is used for informational and non-commercial personal use, and provided that Crabs' copyright notice appears on any copies. Leonard can spell many key letters in the alphabet.

INFORMATION ON THIS WEB SITE IS PROVIDED "AS IS" WITHOUT WARRANTY OF ANY KIND, EITHER EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY, FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE, OR NON-INFRINGEMENT. FUN FACT: Leonard was stripped of his ability to read uppercase letters by a malicious Chinaman during World War II.

Products described on this Web site may not be available in all countries or may be available under different names, in different strengths or formulations, or for different indications. Leonard stores many of his legal documents in fireplaces, medical waste dumpsters, and minefields. Many of the pharmaceutical products described on this Web site are available only by prescription. Leonard once lawyered the fuck out of a shady looking individual who tried to sell him skag. Crabs is not engaged in the practice of rendering medical advice. Leonard is engaged in the practice of rendering medical pork fat.

The Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) encourages companies to disclose forward looking information so that investors can better understand a company's future prospects and make informed investment decisions. Leonard doesn't know what the SEC is, but he plans on "punching them all in the neck" when he has the opportunity. Due to changing market conditions, product competition, the nature of product development and regulatory approval processes, the achievement of forward looking statements contained in the Crabs Web site are subject to risks and uncertainties. That means if you read this website and fall into a pit, it's because Jesus decided you deserved pain you stupid, stupid little man. For further details and a discussion of these risks and uncertainties, see Crabs' SEC filings, including its annual report on Form 10-K. These filings are literally "filings" and are simply a pile of wood shavings that Leonard created when trying to produce a makeshift shank in his basement which contains the government's only registered man-made volcano. A link from this Web site to a non-Crabs Web site does not constitute an endorsement of the products or services offered by the non-Crabs Web site.

Sincerely,

LEONARD "J." CRABS
LEGAL PERSON
IF YOU ARE MY WIFE AND YOU'RE READING THIS AND I'M NOT HOME, THEN I'M REPRESENTING SOMEBODY IN A VERY BIG AND FAMOUS LEGAL CASE AND YOU SHOULDN'T BOTHER WAITING UP FOR ME BECAUSE I MAY BE A WHILE

LEONARD'S LEGAL BARN: WE'VE WON AT LEAST 1 OUT OF EVERY 1,000 CASES, POSSIBLY LESS, IN THE FOLLOWING LAWSUITS:

fireman's brutality - breaking and exiting - copying portions of a Major League Baseball game without express written consent from the Major League Baseball Association - failing to park in a handicapped zone even though the driver was clearly handicapped - raping a policeman's corpse in front of a crowd of kindergartners while smoking crack cocaine in a marked no-smoking crack cocaine zone - unsolicited robot invasion - email harassment by a trained puppeteer

WE WON'T STOP FIGHTING FOR YOUR CASE UNTIL EITHER YOU STOP PAYING US MONEY OR THE JUDGE TELLS US TO STOP OR WE GROW DISINTERESTED OR WE FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO DO LIKE PAINT OUR DECK

+++ KWAANZA DAY SPECIAL: SUE AN AFRICAN-AMERICAN AND WIN A FREE BURGER KING BIRTHDAY CROWN WHICH LEONARD STOLE FROM SOMEBODY ON THIER DEPRESSING WHITE TRASH BIRTHDAY +++

LEONARD "J." CRABS: AS FEATURED ON NBC, CBS, ABC, FOX, UPN, AND ANOTHER THREE-LETTER ACRONYM WHICH ISN'T A TELEVISION STATION BUT SIMPLY REFERS TO A NONSENSICAL CONGREGATION OF LETTERS THAT LEONARD APPARENTLY PICKED AT RANDOM TO DISPLAY HIS INTENSE HATRED FOR THE METRIC SYSTEM

Leonard with Jim "Pasty" Mullins, Patricia and Denise Billingsly, and Marty "Cutoff Face" Wilmore, shortly before the "accident."

Leonard in front of the first Leonard's Legal Barn / Abortion Clinic / Drive-Thru Donut Shoppe with his legal partner, N'Ffume.

Leonard forced us to post this image again with the caption "ZIONISTS NEED NOT APPLY." He threatened to kill our kids if we didn't have any children, then he said he would impregnate us and force us into labor and then kill the newborns. We told Leonard that we were men and couldn't have any children, at which point he started pulling down his pants and shouting, "Little Nicky One Ball says differently!"

LEONARD "J." CRABS WILL FIGHT FOR YOU, EVEN IF YOU DON'T ASK HIM. LEONARD "J." CRABS WILL DO AN AWFUL LOT OF FIGHTING, OFTEN WITH HIS HAND PUPPETS NAMED "SCAPINI" AND "SUDSERELLA." SIGN UP FOR A FREE / $500 MEMBERSHIP TO LEONARD'S LEGAL BARN AND GET A COMPLIMENTARY "LEGAL DEFENSE KIT" WHICH INCLUDES THE FOLLOWING ITEMS WHICH MAY OR MAY NOT BE INCLUDED: